rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
