Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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