i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
