I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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