It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
