you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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