I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
