I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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