Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
