I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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