Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
