So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
