when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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