You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
