He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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