Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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