I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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