Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
