We're facebook friends in real life
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
