He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
