Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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