Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
