he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
