if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
