i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
