but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
