Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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