everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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