Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
