I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
