good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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