the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
