I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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