I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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