Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
