I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
