When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
