Jerry, you need to find god
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
