It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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