im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Holy sore nipples Batman
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
