I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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