HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
