he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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