I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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