Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
