I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
