Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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