can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
