There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
