If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
