If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
