Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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