im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
